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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Most Underrated Films of 2011 Pt.2

TheVerdict: 
Before we jump back into this, I decided that MAYBE, the first list I read was just a fluke. You know, some lazy chick writing up some sh*t just to do it. I thought, "Hey, maybe there's someone at a site like Huffingtonpost, who knows a thing or two about underrated films. I should find that person.".... I. DID. NOT. FIND. THIS. PERSON. Instead, what I found was an even worse list, with the biggest fuggery film of 2011 on it, listed as "underrated".


Oh, Scott Mendelson, you sir are a turkish turd of wonderful nonsensical BOOLSHET! Really sir?! Your Highness is underrated now? Sucker Punch is underrated? Spy Kids 18 is underrated? Priest is underrated? Did this fool just look at all the bad films and go, I'm about to stir up a fresh pot of controversy? FOH with this blasphemy. None of those films are underrated, they're all just pieces of sh*t that no one but Scott got fooled into liking, while thinking he knew something we didn't that made the films a little better than pig sh*t stew on a rainy Sunday.


Fug dat List, Here's Pt.2....Lezdodis! In Order Of Release


8. The Beaver ( You mean the Movie about the Beaver...Yes, That one)
Drama


Some of you remember a really prominent A-List actor named, Mel Gibson. Well Fail Gibson over the past year or two has made a complete assfacefugger of himself. I also heard rumors that his No-speaky-smart-english wife is about to get like hundreds upon hundreds upon hundreds upon hundreds of millions of Fail's dollars. Welp, atleast he gave us this weirdly, interestingly dark film to distract us from the biggest Fail since Paul McCartney lost half his sh*t to some chick. The Beaver is ultimately about Mel. Its about a man, who has everything and absolutely NOTHING at the same time. It about spiralling down into such a suicidal depression that you shove your fist up a Beaver's ass and make it your Psychologist. This film seemed to have a lot of undertones to it. The acceptance and rejection of The Beaver, leading up to his final demise was very interesting to me. It may bore you to pieces, but I thought it was a well crafted mid-saturday rental. Wait'll yall see how Fail kills the Beaver!!!


9. Super 8 ( J.J. Abrams is NOT Michael Bay, you whiny Syfy TurdNuts)
Syfy, Action, Thriller



You know what I learned from Super 8. I learned that people don't know how to watch a f*ggin' movie anymore. They can't distinguish good acting from great acting. They can't separate suspense from loud noises, disaster, and wars. They've never seen ET, or the Goonies. Its obvious, especially when you walk out of a film like Super 8 and say, "Why'd it take them so long to show us the creature?" You numbnuts disgust me. This is not a disaster film or a Creature on the loose trying to destroy our world, film. It's a film about how Man Ain't Sh*T! Man constantly does sh*t out of greed, jealousy, and just plain ignorance. Beyond that, the action scenes in this film are greatness and pie, and the child actors, specifically Ellen Fanning give very riveting performances. Its such a perfect homage to the 80's, where the story matters more than the next big sound. A Must Own FIlm, if you ask me.




10. Transformers 3 ( Too Many Humans, Just Enough Fights!)
Action, Robots, More Action, More RObots, Lots More Action, Look at AllDem Robots!


I loved Transformers 3. Period. While everyone else claimed it had a bad plot, it was too long, there were too many humans, yadayada whoopidy whoop whoop, I was satisfied. I finally got to see some crazy ass action sequences with Transformers transforming in mid battle!! How is that NOT awesome? Yea, you could def cut out about an hour of BS, but still, its not like there was a fight scene only every 40 minutes. The robots were constantly getting it in this time. And the film looked absolutely gorgeous, $90 Million of beautiful violence. Remember how fuggin' fuzzy TF2 was? I hate that piece of sh*t ass film. But I love TF3. Megatron was a Hobo yo! A. HOE. BOW! BumbleBee knocked some mechanical clown's face off! AMAAAAZZZINNNGG! I went to see robots fighting, I got to see Robots fighting. What more did you expect? Too much more, if you hated this movie.




11. Friends With Benefits ( They did What Ashton and Natalie couldn't do )
Romance, Comedy


I'm going to let you guys in on a little secret. I loath Mila Kunis. Yes she's cute. Yes she can be hot and sexy, even though she's the width of my forearm, that's still one sexy cute hot forearm width. She's just that cool funny chick in films, and the irony of this all, is that she's the voice of Meg on Family guy; one of the supposedly most hideous cartoon females ever. Mila is constantly on her grind, I wish she'd get on mine. She really impressed me in Black Swan, and now her she is again, playing the forceful, sarcastic, proud, domineering, sexy, seemingly undesireable love interest of J.T. *cues "Its my D*ck in a Box". All my twitter peeps will get that double entendre. Justin Timberlake also does a very good job, even in the more dramatic scenes where their "friendship" is failing apart. This film actually came off as believable. It's more a film for new generation young adults. It's fast paced, short, sweet, and to the point; its also funny! Its not that Nicolas Sparks crap, that middle aged chicks love to gush their Catherine's panties over. Fellas, if you got to get a chick flick, get this comedy disguised as a chick romance flick. Warning** You will be forced to watch J.T.'s ass for a few scenes, but you get to see Milas tight lil booty too.






12. Attack The Block ( Aliens in the Hood Killing Black Kids is Exciting Stuff)
Thriller, Sci-fi, Gangsta Flick



Some might say, Attack the Block is the Belly of Horror films. I'd say, that's idiotic and you should be kicked in the face with Warren Sapp's cleats until you breath air the same way Owen Wilson does. Attack The Block may make my list for the biggest let down of 2011 as well. Real Talk. I'd heard this film was the best sh*t people had seen this year, and then I saw it. So impressed, but at the same time, not nearly as impressed as some of my followers hyped me to be. I hate yall for that, you know who you are you bastards. Honestly though, how could you not like this twist on Alien Invasion films. A group of baby hoodlums with a leader named Moses, fight back against some snarling, neon spitting, Alien Gorilla Dog Beasts. I got to say, that does seem to be something that could have been the best film of 2011, but so far, its merely the most underrated.






13. Our Idiot Brother ( A Movie Titled My Idiot Brother that's really About his Idiot Sisters, AWESOME!)
Drama, Comedy, Women Ain't Shit Too



I'd like to thank my girl for putting me onto this one. She saw this, and instantly knew I'd like it. The film is just one long "STOP AND TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELVES BEFORE PUTTING FINGERS" moment. I loved every minute of it. Yes, their brother is truly an idiot, but he's a genuine idiot. The reveals that each character make while having to "deal" with their brother is such a twist on what you'd expect as a viewer. Its such a deep film. Paul Rudd never ceases to amaze me with the roles he's chosen since his Clueless days, I love that movie, cause I love Stacy Dash! This film could cause some controversial dialogue amongst opposing genders. I appreciate movies that do that. Plus, its still funny.






14. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo ( If you have no idea what its about, please don't assume you know what its about)
Suspense, Thriller, Mystery, Action



I couldn't wait to see this movie. David Fincher deserves an award for being able to pull this off on American Soil without soiling the original. Mara Rooney deserves a fuggin Oscar or Academy award for her portrayal of Lisbeth Salamander. Controversy in 3, 2, 1....Mara Rooney did a better job than Noomi. If you feel different, the comment section is below, don't get too reckless with it. I know this is one of the biggest releases this year, so how could it be underrated? Its very simple, a bunch of idiots are going to see it and have already expressed how its "boring", and "long". This takes me back to Super 8, where I stated people, specifically ghetto folk, don't know how to watch a damn movie. Just shut the fug up, and watch the film homey. Pay attention breh breh. If you can't appreciate a score and cinematography, then this film isn't for you. If you don't have any patience and don't like to pay attention to details like News on the Television and Newspapar headlines, then this film isn't for you. If you're squeamish and can't handle sadistic sh*t on screen, this film is DEFINITELY NOT FOR YOU. I can't wait to see how Fincher pulls of the next two sequels to this film, with the new Lis he's introduced American audiences to.

THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS! BIG SIMBA'S MOST UNDERRATED FILMS OF 2011.

I DEFINITELY MISSED A LOT OF FILMS LIKE DRIVE, CARNAGE, J. EDGAR, THE DESCENDANTS, YOUNG ADULTS, HUGO, TIN TIN, WARRIOR, 50/50, MONEYBALL, ETC.

I'D DEFINITELY LIKE TO HEAR YOUR LIST OF 2011 UNDERRATED FILMS. WARNING** IF YOU LIST SOME SH*T LIKE "HOODRATS 5" I'M JOKE THE SH*T OUT OF YOU, GO RENT THAT SH*T, WATCH IT, AND THEN MAKE A YOUTUBE VIDEO JOKING THE SH*T OUT OF YOU!


LEAVE A COMMENT, GET IT OFF YA CHESS!...Weezy

Most Underrated Films of 2011 Pt.1

TheVerdict: 
Happy New Year to everyone! This is going to be our first post of 2012; the first of many, so get ready for the fuggery. I just can't help but peruse other sites looking for ridiculousness, just so I can flex my boss-ass-fugg-yo-shit-and-this-is-why muscles. Got to stay in shape. With that being said, I wondered if anyone had done a "Most Underrated Films of 2011" write up, and OFCOURSE many had. But #1 in the google search was Examiner.com's list of 4 films. Let's just say, that chick, needs to give me the number to her back alley dealer of Crank 3 quality shitith!


This chick put Red Riding Hood in her list. RED. RIDING. HOOD. The film that holds an 11% on Rotten Tomatoes, and 28 out of 100 on Metacritic. Ebert even gave the shit 1 star and I can't stand that fat 4-eyed Jigglypuff looking pretentious nerdturd, but even I have to agree with him. And, she only had 4 films. One of the others was Horrible Bosses, something tells me, this chick didn't give 2% of half-a-fug about this list.

So. Here's my list, in order of release.

1. Drive Angry IN 3D (before you judge me, read why, you fart nuggets!)
Disaster Film, oh yea, Action Comedy


I know people saw this and instantly thought, WHAT A FUGGIN' HYPOCRITICAL ASS MORON. That's only because you haven't read this yet. Drive Angry 3D is a HORRIBLE FILM. BUT, its so bad, that it's the perfect film to watch when you have over a group of friends and ya'll are just drinking and shooting the sh*t. I'm still not certain if Nicolas Cage realized (during the shooting of this filmtastrophy) that no one was taking it seriously, which is why it works. If I were still in college, we would have Red Boxed the fug out of this messfest. The dialogue, the ridiculous kill shots, the car chase scenes, and just the overrall obsurdity of the plot line, just straddles the borderline between Retardedly Genius and Geniusly Retarded.  It's what Ghostrider could have been, if Ghostrider didn't suck donkey balls.

Oh YEAAAA!!! AMBER HEARD IS HOT!!
















2.  Hall Pass (Cmonson, the chick sneezed and SHARTED )
Comedy


While everyone else was worried about the female version of The Hangover, Bridesmaids and the sequel to The Hangover, The Hangover 1.5, I was purchasing a matinee ticket to Hall Pass.  Now, let me just say this, I wasn't prepared to have a d*ck shoved in my face, along with most of the audience.  On top of that, Owen Wilson's face and acting could give a new born Polio.  With all this working against it, one of the main things it has going for it, it's one of the only CRUDE comedies to be released this year.  It was just ranchy and raw and showed how when left alone, married men are fuggin tard-lers and their wives are born again c*m thirsty whores.  However, it was still funny!  No other film this year had Fake Chow.  Almost forgot about the scene during the credits with Gary ending up in Prison..LMAO!  It's just another cool and funny dorm movie night prospect.


3. Limitless ( Some Addictions are okay, like NZT-48, Video Games, and Tropical Skittles)
Thriller, Sci-fi



Can anyone tell me where the hell Bradley Cooper came from, I'll wait.    .     .    .  EXACTLY!  No one knows.  Dude just Silver Surfer'd his way out the bum of the universe and has taken the screen by storm.  This is the same dude from Wedding Crashers, hugging porcelain in agony. Who'da thunk it?  I'd have to say, this film definitely shows that Bradley Cooper is far from 1-dimensional and that ladies should appreciate him for more than just his sky blue pupilets.  That man can act.  The story here was believable.  No matter how smart you become overnight, you're still a fuggin moron, its in ya jeans, Paco!  The film took a more serious note with the concept of having a drug that could increase one's brain usage.  It touched on the addiction to the drug, the fact that such a drug still requires a person to learn how to control and ultimately tolerate it's effects on not just the brain, but the body as well.  Cooper got the movies Coop'n with this one.  Word to Moses! 

4.  Win-Win ( Made Wrestling Seem a lot less Homo-erotic)
Drama, Comedy 


I had no idea what this film was about, but I wanted to see it.  I even won some free passes to screen it but didn't go.  I SHOULD HAVE GONE!  I didn't end up seeing the film, until about 7 months later, and damn it's good.  I'm a realist, when it comes to some films.  I appreciate a good fantasy take on reality, but every now and then you need something down to earth and feel good.  I don't know what other films Alex Shaffer has been in, but he's definitely made his mark here, in my book.  The role of Kyle, a disturbed, socially awkward, seemingly abandoned, professionally skilled High School wrestling outcast, is not an easy role to pin down, but he did it.  Do I even need to speak on Paul Giamatti, the man is a fuggin' legend in films at this point.  He made Shoot Em Up GREAT!  I'd also like to show some appreciation for the role of Jackie played by Amy Ryan.  She played the level headed yet understanding wife.  She never once came off as selfish or conceited.  Great Family Feel Good Film for the adults in the room.

5. Insidious ( Creepy Little White Kids Just Need a Friend To Possess Them )
Horror, Suspense, Paranormal



In the land of whorifically boring, overly appreciated, and hyped dark horror films such as Catfish, Paranormal Activity, and that awfully-meh Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, Insidious really was a breath of hauntingly fresh air.  I'll say this much, the film had a great premise, the story was damn near perfect, UNTIL THE END.  That's the biggest flaw with this movie.  When you finally get to see the evil that lurks in plain sight, unseen, you're thoroughly unimpressed and a bit peeved at the laziness that went into the "Wrap-That-Sh*t-Up-B!" box on this one.  But even then, it had so many good fright scenes.  So very dark and mysterious; it left its audience confused, questioning what one would do if such an evil being could not be eluded.  You can make your girlfriend or boyfriend wet their nighties with this one.

6.  Source Code ( I Once Was Confused, But Now I Get It)
Sci-Fi-Techno, Thriller



I have YET to meet a person who knew what the hell source code was about before they actually saw it.  That's usually never the case with a film.  Let's verify this: Mission Impossible, a movie about some impossible mission; Rise of the Planet of the Apes, a movie about the uprising of some apes on a planet full of apes; Sucker Punch, a movie about a trailer that tricked d*ck headed men into paying Cheese Cake Factory high ticket prices to get sucker punched in the scrotum for 90 mins.  All of these films gave movie goers enough information to know what the premise of the movie was.  Not Source Code.  Source Code, even now, is a bit difficult to sum up, but, the strangly computer age plot, and the execution of the direction the film guides its viewers, was spot on perfect.  Not to mention, Toby Maguire's brother from another mother, Jake Gyllenhaal, is really making a name for himself.  This dude went from Bubble Boy to Brokeback Moutain to Brothers to Prince of Persia, and now, Source Code.  He's really becoming a household face, but nobody can EVER get dudes name right..lmao.  "Oh that dude that looks like Toby Maguire, yea I like his movies, even the one where he's gay"..smh.


6.  Super ( I knew Ellen Page was a Crazy B*tch )



If there are two things God got right when he made Kevin Bacon, it's that his last name is Bacon and that Hollywood loves to cast him as the villain.  Ever since he did EXACTLY what a dude would do if ever to be stricken invisible (Hollow Man), Kevin's been on a roll.  This year, he was the villain twice, X-Men First Class ( Sebastian Shaw) and Super ( Jacques).  The two roles couldn't be more conflicting in comparison.  In one role, he's a level-head, diabolical mutant who wants to give mutants the upper hand.  In the other, he's a coked up strip club owner with baffoonish goons, and a love for stealing housewives and contributing to their addictions.  But Super, just may be this year's biggest sleeper film.  It's manifested in the same vein as Kick Ass, but way more brutal and real.  Good guys and bad guys and guys who you think are good guys, but really are just crazy fug nuggets die in this film.  The final outcome of the disaster Dwight from the Office creates out of a situation where he should have just left that b*tch alone and moved on, is not very favorable, but its real.  Him not going to jail for all this sh*t though, NOT REAL!  Oh Yea, Ellen Page has a sex scene *creepy*. 


7. Water For Elephants ( When Edward's Not Covered in Glitter, He Can Actually Act)
Drama, Romance, Period Piece



Water for Elephants was definitely my, "She forced me to watch This Baby Socks Soft Sh*t" film of the year.  And damnit, I liked it.  First off, I loved that awkwardly mouth mishapen Reese Witherspoon.  She's like the perfect little white women, with her cute little over bite.  In this film, she basically plays the main act of a traveling circus.  Her show requires her bond with elephants and the trust they must instill in each othe......BORRRRRRRINNNNG!!  Fug all dat!  This film is really about how Augustus Rosenbluth is a mad man, who trains (beats the sh*t out of) circus animals and throws stow aways and old drunk bums from his circus train.  The whole films is more a knocking of heads between Robert Pattinson and Christoph Waltz.  Reese is pretty much temptatious eye candy causing Robert to catch a few good ass whoopings.  The film is more a period piece, kind of like a homage to The Big Show, before Ringling Bros ruled the earth.  This may seem like a romance flick, but its really not.  I'm suprised this isn't Peta's Movie of the Century or some  boolshet. 

.......WE'RE NOT DOWN YET, PART 2 LATER TODAY!!! 




LEAVE A COMMENT, GET IT OFF YA CHESS!...Weezy
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