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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

FREE ain't always FREE.... Beastly & Red Riding Hood pt.1

First things first, let me clarify that ya boy right here is a cheapskate.  My pops was the pawn shop & thrift store king, and I'm his son.  Its that simple.  So when my boy gave me the tools needed to get free movie screening tickets, I was definitely #ALLABOUTTHAT.  Since then, I been going to 1 free movie a week and let me just tell you, everything "free isn't necessarily FREE" via Rodimusprime of The Black Guy WHo Tips.

You ever heard someone say, "I hate people who complain about free sh*t".  Well guess what, I hate y'all too!  I don't care if its free or not, if the sh*t is horrible, its horrible and I'm telling -- SnitchingYearRound.  I saw two of the most awful films I have ever forced myself to sit through before.  What did you see Phenom, Gulliver's Travels?  No, bullet dodged!  I had free tickets to see Beastly and Red Riding Hood, the only way anyone should EVER see these two piece of sh*t films. 
There's nothing positive I have to say about these films except, they do end.  What's the best part of each film?  The credits.  These two films are one a 1 to 1 ratio of sh*tty.  And I fault the fans.  I blame all you fans because they wouldn't put out garbage like this if people weren't tweeting and raving about how great they think films like this are.  Both of these films are like Twilight test-tube offspring.  They're Twilight in disguise, but the disguise is a pair of Clark Kent glasses.  Its just atrocious.  No matter how you walk into either of these films, if you walk out not feeling like you've just been eye-f*cked in the face for 90 mins straight, then you're probably a moron.  So what's so bad about them Phenom... Oh don't worry curious George, the man in the pissed Yellow hat is getting to that part.

Please bare with me, the revolver is loaded but the safety is still on.  Watching Beastly must be what it feels like to finally muster up enough courage to commit suicide. Finally playing Russian Roulette with a full clip only to have the gun jam every time you pull the trigger.  The only sensational  thing about this film is that you actually envy the Blind guy.He'll never have to see this train wreck, but I'm sure listening is almost as painful.  From jump, the acting SUCKS!  Holy Jeezus Sandals, it's so bad.  There is no way the director didn't know these actors were bad.  I refuse to believe someone didn't pull him aside like, "Ughhh....... So you're actually gonna put ya name on this?".  The milk's gon bad people.   Alex Pettyfer is just proving time and time again that not only is he one of the worst high school characters since Lil Kim in She's All That, but he's also one of the most unbelievable.  Dude is clearly going to be filing for Social Security in a few years, but he's gone file it with a book bag on after winning prom king AGAIN....riggggggggggght!?  Vanessa Hudgens is just..god, she's just so damn bad.  But she's cute.  She's sexy.  We've all seen her naked.  She's was great in that.  But in this, she's just f*cking bad.  She's vain.  Did you hear me?...SHE'S VAIN.  Wait!  Time-out.  I thought the beast was suppose to be vain and the love interest was suppose to be compassionate and humble but proud.  She's a loser!  She's a hot loser too.  What is this sh*t man?  I'm suppose to believe this hot piece of ass is considered "unattractive and unpopular".  Not to mention she like the Beast when he's a Beast.  She falls in love with this dude when he's a complete asshole.  She was in love with him before the opening credits were even finish.  On top of all this, she's ditsy, she's out there, she's slow, and she's a b*tch.   I guarantee you her vagina has teeth at some points in this film.  I guarantee you her brain doesn't show up to work everyday in this film, calling in sick due to a hangover.  And the side characters suck.  Neil Patrick Harris, god bless the man for being the only tolerable person on screen, constantly forgets that he's BLIND!  Yes, he does play darts, but even then he's playing a better blind guy then when he's actually walking around and looking dead at the people he's talking too.  I was waiting for him to slip up, lower his glasses and peer overtop of them at the person he's being sarcastic with.  The characters act very childish, but its more like they're "slow"-- trying to be as nice as possible here. And there's this massacre of quality on screen during a scene with Vanessa Hudgen, her father, and some spanish "drug dealing" teens.  Now I listened to review and they chose to blame the director because everyone sucked.  I blame EVERYONE BECAUSE EVERYONE SUCKED!  Let's just leave it at that.  No I'm not going to talk about "The Olsen Twin we actually remember".  F*ck out of here with her.

This movie is not a remake/retelling/re-taling/live action, what ever you want to try and call it, telling of Disney's classic Beauty and the Beast.  This movie is the epitome of Beastly, and I mean beastly like that fat chick running out the chicken spot with the bucket of fried chicken.  The story is complete bullsh*t.  Dude is ugly because he's covered in weeping willow and oak tree tattoos?  Oh and because he's bald.  Word, I guess this is some future where punk rock, horror core, and goth dress is not as plentiful.  I mean, Ms. Olsen is the ONLY goth in the school and she's a "witch".  Yep, that's pretty believable.  Sold!  The main character's father of course tries to "fix" this with plastic surgery and the doctors are like "well i mean there are flowers growing on his tattoos and they move, this is definitely out of our league buddy".  Agreed.  So what does the father do.  Well he takes his millions and he puts the boy up in a nice large condo near the water and the city with a live in maid and blind teacher, who doesn't teach the blind.  Digging the story yet, wait its gets great!  The boy can only go out on Halloween.  And since his face is already "f*cked up" his Dad gets him that motorcycle he always wanted. Blah blah blah, he learns his true friends weren't true.  Blah blah blah, he stalks the ever-loving-f*ck out of Vanessa, saves her, forces her into his home.  Blah Blah Blah, he impresses her, she has to leave, he finds her, reveals his love, changes back, they live Happily Ever Go F*ck Yourselves!  No, really.  I mean it.  That's an order! What is this a documentary about Stockholm Syndrome wrapped in a knockoff Disney-Romance-Wannabe?

My last complaint, the dialogue.  Was this written by a drunk Shakespearean or something.  Damn it Jim, this just doesn't make any sense.  It's like they're trying to talk in poem, but don't know a damn thing about delivery or Iambic pentameter.  Maybe they missed too many Forensics club meetings.  You can barely hear them at some points and they just talk so ass backwards.  I actually felt dumb, thinking to myself, "damn how is it that I don't understand what they're saying and I'm a huge fan of REAL poetry."  Then i realized, it wasn't me, it was that horrible script.  William would NOT be appeased by this.  Not at all! 

All in all, mentally challenged people can tell this film is just plain DUMB.   And its everyone's fault who was involved, even me and you.  That's right!  We made people think that this is what we want.  With all these young girls idolizing the actors in these films and you as parents investing in the memorabilia and merchandise that puts millions of dollars in the studios pockets, what did you expect to happen?  I just want to know, why is okay for our kids to like dumb sh*t.  Why do we justify their love for this CRAP by saying, oh they're just kids.  Yes, there are just kids.  Kids who grow up and become teachers, politicians, lawyers, doctors, and bad actors.  Beastly is nothing but a WE GOTCHA, NOW BEND OVER!  Currently, I'm in the process of pressing charges with SVU.

Don't worry RRH, you're turn is coming....2 b continued!  

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