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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

8 Dances You Don't Actually Know How To Do

Ever been to a cookout?  Everyone's vibing, having a good time and then, someone --usually a lonely aunt or drunk uncle, decides it's time for the ritual bbq dance.  Next thing you know "This Time, We're Gonna Get Funky...Funky..." feels the air.   Everyone hops up, even grandma with the two bad legs and feet, bad bones , and bad organs.  It's the quickest assembly of black folk since MLKjr. spoke.  For the bout 30 minutes, because the cha-cha slide is usually that long when put on repeat, black people come together and embrace their dance version of some truly ghetto-fied synchronized-swimming . It's part of black nature to dance in unison.  What a beautiful thing it is.

There's just one problem.


As a matter of fact, no one does.  I've seen about fifty-eleven-thousand different Superman-That-Hoe and Heel-Toe dances.  There has to a be Guinness book of world record breaking variations of the damn Electric-Slide.  But, at least there is a basic formula to that dance. I can't say the same for these dances below. I've watched some of these dances performed IRL and on youtube more times than I've blinked, damn near feels like, and Im positive that you can't "learn" them, you just do-some-shit.  So, out of pure boredom, I've been able to come up with a list of 8 Dances No One Actually Knows How To Do.  As in, there are no instructions, you just do whatever, and that works.

1. The Charlie Brown

Now, I'm not sure if the Charlie Brown was invented before or after the Cha-Cha Slide.  If someone knows, please let me know.  I'm really interested losing a memory over filling my head with garbage ass Junior Jeopardy facts like that.  Either way, I have no idea how you properly do this dance.  Just look at the video.  I'll wait...

Cha-Cha Slide (3:40 Mark)

Charlie Brown Tutorial

Now this video has over 10 MILLION VIEWS.  That means, 10 million people should know how to do the Charlie Brown.  I'm pretty sure not ONE person in my family knows how to do that shit.  So basically you just rock back and forth?  Are you serious, the baby boomers in my family can't do that move safely.  Plus, I don't never see my family looking like an organized rhythmic bright shirt, jean jacket-full, kango hat colored rocking chair of people.  I'm calling Some-Ol'- Bullshit on this dance move...

PS.  How the hell do you "REVERSE..REVERSE" in real life.  Imjusayin.  That mess almost made this list.

2. The Percolator (Is this how you spell it?)

Awwww man.  The percolator was one dance I used to love.  Don't get it twisted.  I never did the shit in public.  Let's just leave it at that.  But one of the high points of my teenage years was watching girls do it.  At that age, I had no idea what watching them made me want to do to them, but I knew I wanted to do something!  Let me see a woman my age,27, doing the Percolator today.  She a hoe.  Period.  Just look at this video.  If some of you teenagers saw your 25 year old mother doing this at parent-teacher night, you'd sell your soul to stop the embarrassment.

Old Percolator

Family Function Percolator

This is just another example of "no one actually knows how to do this dance".  The percolator should have been called the Spider on Crack or The Knee Flapping Chicken.  The Pookie Spider to be exact.   Chicks was on the floor looking like a deranged stripper that got bit by a normal spider but they assumed it was radioactive.  Had themselves out in public trying to twerk they booty vertically to new heights and shit.  Not to mention, dudes who did the percolator were beyond questionable.  Those fools were out there enjoying percolating more than the chick who was percolating on them.  But I digress.  To do the percolator, all you got to do is pop your chest and booty while acting like a freaky mime trapped in a hoe's box.  You don't teach a hoe how to percolate.  A hoe just knows how.  Trust me.

3.  Da Butt

Now, sadly, I was a couple of years too late to really enjoy this dance at parties.  I'm sure a few of my older X-generation cousins did though.  That's probably how some of them got pregnant.  Actually, this dance is the reason I have cousins my parents use to baby sit that now have kids of their own, who are older than me.  Either way.  There is no right way to do Da Butt.  Take a look.

Da Butt (Official Video)

Here are the instructions for Doing Da Dutt:

Step 1: Position booty in outward manner.  If you ass is normally positioned this way, ladies, then you can skip to step 2.

Step 2: Shake It, Shake It = just move your hips around and do something with your arms.

Step 3: Yell "Doing Da Butt" so a nice young gentleman can approach you from the rear and enjoy puberty.

That's about it.  You can't explain to someone how to do Da Butt.  You just do it and 99% of the time you're doing it right as long as a guy is behind you.  This isn't a real dance, its the shit your grandmother warned your mother to warn you about. 

4.  Walk It Out

Man.  This has to be the laziest dance created by a couch negro.  How does a "dance" that requires you to "walk" become such a popular dance?  There's no real way to do this.  With shit like this, we assume that if what the person is doing looks cool, they must be doing it right.  Just, look at the damn video...

UNK - Walk It Out Video

They're not doing anything.  Imagine how much of a cardiovascular workout you could get from an hour of Walking-It-Out.  Dances like this and the others in this list, have taught me, "There are Blacks who Invent things, and there are Blacks who just invent shit".  This is the latter of the Blacks.  Dances like this must be combo'd up if you want to be the laziest life of the party.  You'd have to Walk it out, then Wipe-Er'-Down, followed by some Dougie'in, and finally you'd wrap it up with a Stanky-Leg or two.  Bam!  You're a sensational dancer. *straightface*

5.  The Harlem Shake

Does anyone know who actually invented the Harlem Shake?  Does anyone know if it was truly invented in Harlem?  Does that mean the first person to seizure during a party and remain standing was in Harlem?  That's all this dance is, a controllable seizure that looks a bit more spiffy than the real thing.  Shake along to the video below...

Harlem Shake Video

Dave Chappelle "Tyrone Shake"

When did moving your shoulder because so mimic able?  Yes, I did the Harlem Shake, and I'm not ashamed...anymore.  I realized that I was young and dumb and when you're young and dumb, stuff like this is fun.  Then you get old and can't understand why your back is all fucked up and out of alignment. 

6.  Krumping (not to be confused with Crumping)  --I Blame Breezy for Making This Popular

Actually, I blame the movie RIZE for making this a nationwide sensation that alot of people were scared to do.  That's why the dance never caught on outside of Cali.  Am I the only person who feels like you have to be jumped into a gang before you can confidently do this dance?  I've seen dudes krump on telephone poles.  That shit right there is serious.  See this video...

Rize Krump Battle

Columbus Short Krumping

Krumping is a life or death situation.  I don't know why people couldn't believe Chris Brown beat on Rihanna.  Didn't y'all see his Krumping abilities in Stomp The Yard.  You ladies better watch out for Columbus Short.  That fool is clearly a leader of more than a few gangs given his Krump rating of a 9.0 and 10 point scale.  What do you actually do when you Krump-- scratch that, what DON'T  you do.  I've seen people commit armed robberies while Krumping and no one cared because they Krumping ability was that official.  Basically, to be the Krump, you must feel the Krump.

7.  The Chicken Head

How could any dance created/popularized by a rapper named Chingy, not be offensively named.  And you ladies actually did it.  Smmfh.  Damn this video all to hell...

Chingy Right Thurr Video

How To Chicken Head Dance

I feel like Yung Joc saw The Chicken Head, took the simplest part of it, and created the Joc-in.  Fat Joe did the same thing with his Lean-Back dance.  Both of those are instructional.  There's a formula.  Now, watch the people in that video do The CHicken Head.  This is what a chicken would look like dancing around with it's head cut-off.  At no point are they all on the same page, they just spinning around doing some shit with their arms out.  Our People, sadly, are our people.

8.  W.O.F.T.B.G

I know a lot of y'all are looking at this acronym in complete disarray.  Let me give you a hint, "Watch Out For The Big Girls!!!".   Now I know some of your are going, "That's not a dance though".  Well if it's not a dance, then why are the biggest badly built bitches --shout out to KB--in the club always shuffling their weight to the dance floor when they hear this?   Not sure if there's a video for this one..

I Don't Know WTF She's Doing, But Watch Out

I deem this gravitational shifting of large masses to a conjoining location, a dance.  There's clearly no specific move the ladies are supposed to do, even though they always sit the next song out after doing what ever they did.  Can you imagine a world where this song randomly played in public?  Fuck global warming, this is what we should really be worried about.



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